


Roommates

by Destiel_ships_Johnlock



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Alternate Universe- No Supernatural, Awesome Bobby, Bisexual Character, Bisexual Dean, Bisexual Male Character, Boys In Love, Brother Feels, Castiel and Dean Winchester in Love, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, Gay Castiel, Gay Male Character, Grieving Dean, Grieving Sam, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, M/M, Parent Mary Winchester, Slow Build Castiel/Dean Winchester, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-22
Updated: 2017-08-24
Packaged: 2018-07-25 22:50:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 13,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7550296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Destiel_ships_Johnlock/pseuds/Destiel_ships_Johnlock
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Destiel college AU</p><p>When the highly intelligent Castiel Novak moves in with his new roommate Dean Winchester, it doesn't exactly seem like the beginning of a friendship, but as time goes by, they discover a certain sympathy, and eventually bring out the best in each other. </p><p>I'm planning to write most of this nicely and fluffy but it will be sad sometimes, i couldn't resist. </p><p>I hope you all give this a chance even though it's a huge stereotype- I at least tried to write Cas and Dean in a unique way. </p><p>- Finished :-) -</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1 - College problems...

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! Thank you so much if you're planning to read this! 
> 
> This is a longer and slower fic, so their relationship has time to develop.
> 
> Aside from that, i just hope you enjoy it! 
> 
> I know the Destiel doesn't start yet, a little patience is needed i fear...

Shit.

Why didn’t he think of this? He had planned it all, starting with the way he dressed (he ended up with a white shirt, black jeans and his usual trench coat) And ending with how he was going to get home on the weekends. Yet he stood there, in front of his new class and had no clue where he was going to sit. It was more important than it sounded.

  
Usually, Cas would just sit in the last row alone while everyone would simply ignore his presence. But this school was going to be more difficult. He knew he was going to need someone to copy notes from when he would have to go home to his mother or if he got sick. He still wanted to sit as far in the back as possible but he needed someone next to him.

  
All of that had just rushed through his brain in maybe about two seconds. Now, he had to move if he didn’t want things to get awkward. Thankfully, he had found the right spot to sit at. A girl with curly brown hair was smiling at him, her body speech almost inviting him. Girls usually acted flirty in his presence, and it certainly wasn’t their fault that Cas didn’t feel attracted to them.

  
He just hoped their professor would join the class soon as he dropped his back next to the girl.

-roughly two hours later-

“Quicker, get it together ladies!” The coach yelled. Dean was sweating, but he wasn’t out of breath. The rest of his team ran slower anyways and it wasn’t like his day had been good enough to justify even trying to put all that much effort into this. It was just a normal training and he hoped that the coach wouldn’t pull him over and tell him to take this seriously today.

  
Not that I don’t like Bobby or anything, he thought to himself. But, sometimes the coach acted like Dean was here to become the next fucking football super star or something. He wasn't here for any of that bullshit though, he was just watching out for his baby brother, that was all.

A bit later, Dean’s hopes were dismissed. “Winchester! Over here!” He walked over casually with a slight sigh as the rest of the team went to get a good shower. A shower he really craved right now.

  
“Get your head in the game, boy”, Bobby said sounding almost angry. Dean nodded. “I know you just play because you need some damn shit to do in your free time, but you’ve got some talent, Winchester. It’s a shame you don’t focus on it.”

  
He didn’t say anything. What could he say? That was the problem with Bobby- he was usually right. He just nodded a second time. Now Bobby sighed. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow… Idjit” Dean grinned. The coach was almost like a second father to him, and that was his way of showing his concern. Dean just nodded again and followed the others, maybe he still had a small chance to get to his next class in time.

-7 pm-

 Cas felt slightly scared as he tried to find the right key for his room in his bag. He of course couldn’t afford a room for his own. But his grades and all the tests showed how good he was and the college had offered him a little room that was free anyways. But Cas wasn’t naïve. Sure, he might be smart, but colleges wanted good science students, not theology and philosophy nerds from a bad high school on the countryside.

  
There were three things he knew for certain. First, the people here probably hoped he’d get to his senses and started studying physics or something else that got some generous donations for colleges. Secondly, he was lucky to have a place here in a good college for in some way gifted students in first place. And lastly, This room wasn’t exactly going to be a five-star-hotel.

  
While thinking all this, he finally found his keys in his own jeans pocket. It wasn’t exactly unusual for him, he kept thinking about things, about wrong and right… No, he had to focus now. The keys, right. He slowly unlocked the door and opened it.

 

***

  
“’Honey I’m home! Sammy?” Dean yelled in his very own sarcastic tone. He proceeded to throw his bag on his bed and leaned against the wall.

His brother came from the bathroom, a concerned look in his face. He probably wanted to talk about how Dean should stop playing with Lisa’s emotions.

Feelings, more feelings, "You are hurting her, you know", feelings again and then he could just go to bed in peace. Fuck, he was tired.

  
“Dean, we need to talk” his brother started.

  
“Why? You breakin’ up with me?” He grinned. Naturally, his reward was Sam’s casual bitchface.

  
“This is serious, Dean!” Not again.

  
“Fine”, he replied as he dropped on his bed. “What is it this time?”

  
Sam started, clearly trying to sound calm.

  
“Dean? I wanted to tell you... I'm going to share a room with Jess.”

  
***  
It smelled like years of cigarettes and beer. And even worse, the desperate try to fight the scent with some Wal-Mart Air-Conditioner that was supposed to smell like citrons. Cas immediately felt the need to throw up. Yet he controlled himself and walked in the room. After smelling the air, he honestly had expected something worse. It was little, and clearly nobody had tried to clean this for a long time, but there was a table and the smallest kitchen Cas had ever seen. Although, it seemed like enough for mac and cheese, spaghetti, and microwave popcorn, which was surely enough for him. There was a small plastic table including a small plastic chair and even a tiny closet that was hanging on the wall.

  
Other pros: There were no mold and no insects. Other cons: There were no windows, Castiel couldn’t spot a bed, and the heating looked broken even from where he was standing. 

It was clearly not an actual room for students, probably a storeroom that someone bought some cheap furniture for, but Cas supposed he could live here until they found a roommate for him. On the other hand, he had only been able to come here in the middle of the year, so he might actually be forced to stay in this wanna-be-citrone-air-conditioner for a bit longer than he’d like to.

***

“What?! YOU WANT TO WHAT” Dean yelled. He felt like someone bitch-slapped him hard in the face. With a textbook.

Sam at least had the common sense to sound guilty.

  
“Listen, Dean, I know you only came here for me, and I know you’d rather be repairing cars with dad. But I have to live my own life. Just give this a chance, okay? “

  
Dean felt the hot anger in him slowly becoming cold resignation and sadness. Deep down he had known, he had expected this. How stupid had he been to think Sammy was gonna just stay in a room with his loser brother forever?  
He collected himself, slowly answering. “Fine. I’ll drop out. You know what; I’m starting to prepare to go back to Kansas tomorrow."

  
Sam shook his head, long hair waving around. “Dean, I want you to stay, you know. And you like studying here, I can tell, why don’t you just keep studying mechanics? I mean you are good and you do like it, so why not just give it a try?”

  
Hearing that, Dean’s calmness vanished again, just like that.

“You come here, and tell me you leave me and tell me I SHOULD BE THE CONSIDERATE ONE?” He could hear himself getting louder until he was practically yelling, but also couldn’t bring himself to care.

  
“Come on-“ Sam gave him his best bitchface.

  
“No, Sammy!” Dean didn’t want to see the sorry look on Sam’s face, didn’t want to be forced to talk about his feelings.  
“Get out! Go to Jess or some shit!”

  
“Dean-“

  
“OUT!”

  
Sam sighed and left the room, knowing it wasn’t worth trying.

-about 11 pm-  
***

Cas dropped on the actually existent bed in total exhaustion. He had cleaned the apartment as good as he could, had made himself mac and cheese, had found the bed, which could be folded in the wall to save space. And he had thrown his few pieces of clothing into the mini-wall-closet. Now he just wanted to sleep for ten days straight.  
Yet he couldn’t quite stop wondering when he was going to get out of here. The light bulb didn’t work, which was bad, even though he had thankfully brought a little reading lamp. There was a little window, but it couldn’t be opened so the air was going to stay like this forever probably.

He was laying there looking at the old dirty carpet and the even older sink that still had some dishes in it, the slightly gross table with at least seven different stains on it. He really wanted to get away from here, and he decided to take the first roommate they found, no matter who it was.

  
***

Dean was staring at the wall. Maybe he should really stay. He had to admit, going back to Kansas just so he could spend the rest of his life screwing around with cars and bikes didn’t seem all that great anymore, now that he knew an alternative. He’d like to see his mom and his dad again, but he had friends here, and Sammy, and yes, also Bobby. Maybe he should try until the rest of the year was over, and then he could still drop out. He just needed a new roommate. 


	2. Chapter 2 - ...And their solutions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Actually, there is not much that happens in this chapter... Basically Cas and Dean just find each other as roommates. It's a rather short chapter, but i still hope you like it!

-the next morning, 7 am-

Cas was woken up harshly by his alarm clock.

He was always both grumpy and groggy in the morning, characteristics his siblings had cursed often enough.

  
He thought he’d be glad once he didn’t have to wake up to a full apartment anymore, loud noises of the younger ones filling the rooms.  
He had also thought he would be glad once he didn’t have to help his mom with his siblings anymore. Being the oldest child it had always been his job to help little Anna with her dress and pack lunch for Rafael and Michael and what not.

  
As it turned out now, that he was actually alone in the apartment, with nothing to do but make coffee for himself, he kind of wasn’t. Instead, he found himself wishing the room wasn’t so quiet and empty.

  
He sighed and rolled himself out of bed. Coffee. Coffee was an amazing idea.

  
***

  
Dean sighed quietly before knocking on the door of Jess’ room and entering. Sam was packing his back bag for the day, on his knees like every morning. It would have made Dean sad if he had allowed himself to think about it, probably.

  
“Dean!” his eyes were shining in that certain puppy-eyed way he saved for special days, like hoping that Dean wouldn’t end up as a loser drop out in Kansas.  
“Sammy, ” Dean greeted him back “So uh, maybe you weren’t even all that wrong. I’m staying.”

  
His brother raised to his feet immediately, a grin spreading over his face slowly. For a second Dean feared he was going to end up hugging him. “That doesn’t mean it’s all sunshine, rainbows and happiness, the whole thing is still messed up!” he clarified grumpily. Sam just nodded, goofy smile still there.  
“I’ll talk to Bobby today” he continued, trying to get done with everything as quick as possible. “You know, making sure you can start your new romantic thing soon”  
After yet another relieved nod and a bit of awkward silence, Dean spoke up again. “So, do I get to keep this room or..?”

  
Sam was obviously glad to be able to talk about something again, even if it was this. “Yeah, I’ll move in with Jess, her roommate dropped out anyways, and it’s big enough too.”  
Now Dean was the one who nodded silently. Alright, he thought to himself, mission roommate then. He just hoped he wouldn’t get someone who was trying to find a new best friend.

 

-a few hours later-

 

Bobby looked up to him grumpily from under his baseball hat. “It’s the middle of the god damn year, boy, how am I supposed to even find a fucking roommate for you?”  
Dean felt uneasy. It wasn’t like the coach was the cause of this mess. “I don’t know, Bobby, is it my fault that Sammy decides to have a damn major crush on some chick exactly now? Please just look into the lists, maybe I’m lucky”

  
Bobby just sighed and resigned, turning his chair to face the ancient computer in front of him. Dean stared at the wall uncomfortably while Bobby was swearing at the computer for being too slow.

  
There were pictures, mostly of the sports team and the college over the years. Some of students, all a bit old-looking and dirty.  
One photo seemed to stick out, a simple picture of a brown eyed woman with a short haircut and a Sheriff’s jacket. She was smiling happily. “From Jody”, said a little note in messy handwriting on the down left corner. Was that Bobby’s girlfriend? Had she given the picture to him as a gift?

  
Bobby’s deep laughter brought Dean back to the real world. “I can hardly believe this, but someone started a search for a roommate today, about two hours ago” Dean turned around and looked at the screen. The cursor rested on one student’s name on the list.

  
Castiel Novak.

  
What kind of a weird name?


	3. Chapter 3 - Strange Origins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas and Dean meet... I don't want to spoil anything-Just saying-flirting!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this is late... Well i admit i forgot that today is saturday what can i say? I'm not a very organised person ;D

-the next day, early afternoon-

Cas had to admit that he was excited. He was religious, and he believed. He had to believe, that everything happened for a reason. And here he was, two days after entering his question for a roommate, waiting to meet Dean Winchester.

So far, he only knew his name of course. Dean was a very common name, the thing that surprised Cas a bit was the last name, Winchester, like the gun. Hadn't there be a Winchester shrine or something? Well, it surely was more normal than being called Castiel. Well, nobody gets to pick their own family, and his parents had decided to name all their children after angels.  
He shook his head and tried to get himself back to the solid world around him. He had ended up daydreaming again.  
Currently, Cas was staring at the door to his soon-to-be room, hoping that his roommate would show up with the keys.  
***  
Dean hurried back to his corridor, slightly out of breath. He was late, after trying to help Sammy with the last stuff from his old room. He was curious about Novak, but not in the positive way. He just hoped he would get to live his life like he always had.

Climbing the last few steps, he finally reached room number 1967. And the stranger at the opposite wall.  
Damn, that man was more handsome than he expected, he couldn’t help but notice. Dean would probably even have dated him, if they weren’t soon going to be roommates. No need to make things complicated though.

Novak looked at him with intense blue eyes. Actually, he stared so intensely that it started to creep Dean out. Did he even blink?  
“So?” Novak raised an eyebrow and made a gesture to the door. His voice was surprisingly deep. Dean coughed awkwardly.  
“Dean Winchester” he mumbled. It just seemed weird not to introduce himself.

Cas turned his head slightly, as if he was confused. “Novak, Castiel, but I believe we already knew each other’s names.”  
Great. Six months with this guy, in one tiny room.  
***  
Cas looked at the little room. A small kitchen, but clean, clearly not regularly used. Apparently he would sleep in the upper bed, Dean's things were in the lower one.  
He entered slowly and looked around. For the second time in two days, he took in the details of a new home, only this time he liked what he saw. It was overall comfortably looking, from the old posters on the walls to the little empty shelf. Castiel figured it must have been Sam’s, most likely for books.

He lifted his bag on the upper bed and turned around to face Dean, who was staring into the air with a grumpy expression. It was yet another time of wondering what it looked like in the mind of more ordinary people for Cas, with his lack of experience when it came to socialising with strangers.

Not that Dean seemed like he was planning to do that anyways… Dean, what a common name, yet Cas liked it, it sounded much more smooth than the weird names his siblings had, for sure.

“Uhm, Novak? Still on this planet?” Dean’s amused voice brought him back to reality, from where his thoughts had drifted off to.

As soon as Castiel had cleared his thoughts once more, he felt a bit angry. “Quit calling me that. I have a first name, you know.” Dean just grinned at his reaction. “Well, _Novak_ , that happens when you don’t introduce yourself properly.”

Cas just stared at him for a minute, before he remembered Dean’s awkward introduction. He had a feeling of really not looking forward to the months he was planning to spend with this guy. He let out a quiet, almost silent, sigh. “My name is Castiel Novak.” He said, not without a sarcastic tone. “You can call me Cas.”


	4. Chapter 4- The Butterfly Effect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is where the tiny bit of angst starts, basically. Sorry for the feels!  
> There isn't really anything else i could write here without mentioning spoilers. Enjoy!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is anyone even reading this? Probably not... Siriously please tell me if you like this, i don't know if I should continue it. It's fun, but I don't think anybody is even interested in it, so idk. Please tell me.

-a few months later-

As it turned out, life with the strange Castiel wasn’t as bad as Dean had expected at first.

Mostly because he, apparently, also wanted to be left alone. They had, so far, not even talked. Sure, they greeted when they left or came in, but that was about it.

Cas didn’t ask why Sam had moved out so suddenly, which Dean was admittedly grateful for, and in return, Dean didn’t mention how weird it was that a theology student with excellent grades transferred here in the middle of the year.

They had a steady routine by now.                                                  

Dean usually stood up earlier, drank a coffee and ate an apple, took his time to change into Jeans and shirt, shower, all that stuff.

Cas just practically fell out of bed, looking like he was about to strangle someone, and poured down a giant cup of coffee without milk or sugar before hurrying to his classes (All of that usually happened in about ten minutes total). It was the only lack of discipline Dean had discovered in the ambitious student so far.

Dean always grinned a bit when he saw him like that and greeted him with an amused “Morning, sunshine”, just to piss him off. Not that he would ever admit it, but Cas reminded him of a grumpy kitten in the morning.

Then they pretty much stayed away from each other all day, and when Dean came home he found Cas studying, and when he went to sleep, Cas read in his textbooks with a flashlight. No wonder he was tired in the mornings.

One time Dean had asked his strange roommate what he did when he wasn’t in their room studying or in a class. He had tilted his head in that confused Cas-way Dean knew so well by now, and replied “I study in the library.” All seriously.

Sometimes, on the weekends, Cas basically disappeared. Dean just didn’t see him for a whole Saturday and a whole Sunday, and then he was back on Monday. Dean didn’t question him about him, and instead used these days to bring a girl, or sometimes a boy, in their room, when he could be sure not to be disturbed.

Despite all of these weird things, he still found himself quite liking his new roommate. It wasn’t exactly a feeling of friendship, more the kind of sympathy developed by finding each other decent and even kind of interesting without ever getting closer.

 

It was a good routine, really an overall good life, and looking back, Dean was sure he had been almost suspicious; that he, deep down, knew things couldn’t go that well for too long.

And yet, the day it all started in, all the great things and all the awful things that were about to come, was such a completely and utterly normal, ordinary day, that Dean didn’t have any sort of suspicion about it at all. Just a windy day with a bright blue sky, a typical day in May.

It started out so common already. Dean groaned when his alarm went off, quiet and close to his ear so it wouldn’t disturb Cas (who slept like an exhausted baby anyways, Dean really did not know why he even bothered) and rolled out of his bed. He stretched and went to grab a coffee.

When he came back from showering, Cas was up, even in trousers already.

“Morning, sunshine”

Deeply furious grumpy-kitten-glare.

Cas focused on his coffee again.

Dean packed his bag.

 

And the day stayed like that, something Dean was so used to. He did only averagely good in Bobby’s sports team, and definitely under average in his classes. He also made his way to the mensa to get some cheap food, sitting on his usual table with Kevin and Charlie, his friends. They were huge nerds, Dean openly admitted that, but he did like them in a way. Jo also sat with them today, and Dean didn’t hold back with his flirting. He liked to be with them.

“Anyone interested in joining me in the bakery? Time to get my pie” he grinned after they finished, looking at Jo in particular. Both Kevin and Charlie laughed and shook their heads, not even bothering to make excuses. Dean smiled. “So, you’re my only hope left” he told Jo. She smiled and shook her head, blonde curls flying around her pretty head. “Why not, I guess”, she grinned though.

“Well then, time to go”, he said to Charlie and Kevin now, standing up. Both of them were used to this by now. Charlie winked at him, as to wish him good luck. Jo also said goodbye to them, and they took their jackets to leave.

They were walking across campus, to where the little bakery was located. Dean made conversation, though he wasn’t as charming and flirty as usually when he was with girls. Jo was too smart for that anyways, and besides, he hoped that this was going to become more than a one night stand.

He was laughing at a joke she had made when an official looking man in a suit made his way to him. He stopped laughing as he recognised him. It was an important guy working for the principal. This had to be something serious…

“Dean Winchester?” Dean nodded silently.

 “May I speak to you alone?”

Dean considered protesting, he didn’t want to leave Jo right now, but he knew it wouldn’t help much. He sighed. “Of course. How long will it take?”

“Not long” The man lead Dean away from Jo, out of hearing distance. Then he held out his hand. “I’m Mark Schmitt.” Dean shook his hand slowly. The man took a deep breath. “Dean, I’m here to deliver a message from your father. “ Dean looked at him in confusion. What message could his dad possibly have for him?

“Your mother died in a car accident. I’m very sorry”

It felt like everything was shattering around him, everything around him was so fast, yet at the same time so slow that it seemed like time had stopped. “No” he simply said, barely a whisper. He knew that this man had no reason to lie, he knew that it was real, yet he couldn’t believe it.

“I’m very sorry, Mister Winchester, but it is true. She died from major injuries before the ambulance came. You and your brother can of course go home for a few days immediately.”

Dean didn’t listen, didn’t understand. He only knew that it was true. His mom, his mother, was dead. And then the tears started falling, he started crying without thinking about it, without really realizing what it meant for him. He just stood there, tears falling of his cheeks.  
  
“Dean?” Jo’s concerned voice made him see the rest of the world again. He just shook his head, and tried to dry his cheek with his sleeves. Managing to keep his voice steady, he barely whispered when he turned to Schmitt again. “Let’s go.”

 

He didn’t know if he was crying. He just sat there, and all he knew was that Sam was going to come soon, or at least he was supposed to. He blocked everything out, desperate not to think. He knew that if he started thinking, or if he accepted this, it would break him, and so he waited, and so he didn’t think. There was a tiny melody in his head, and it was all he focused on.

He didn’t think. Not about how the melody was “Hey jude”. Not about how the melody was the one his mother had always sung to them. And especially, he did not think about his mom’s voice when she sang it.

And so, he just kept humming the melody, like it was the only thing keeping him together. Because it was. The melody kept the pain away, and the final realization. It kept everything away. Until Sam came in, alone and lost and sad. Dean stood up and walked over to him, still blocking out everything.

He didn’t think until he held Sam in his arms, until his little baby brother seemed so little and fragile again, and then he had to think.

He thought about their mother. He remembered.

 

 

He had been five years old, his oldest memory, when he had been scared because of a nightmare. He had run into his parents room, crying. Mary was still awake, and she knelt down to hug him. She started singing, quietly, until he stopped crying. He felt safe in her arms. She sang until he stopped crying.

 

He was still only five. His baby brother had come to them. Sammy was there, all tiny and red and baby and everyone focused on him. Dean had been scared that his parents would forget him, a silly fear, but it was there. His mom must have noticed, because that day, when Dean was in bed, staring at the ceiling, the door opened. Mary came in, and walked to him. She sat down at the edge of his bed and sang a little bit, and stayed until he fell asleep, until he wasn’t afraid anymore.

 

He was six years old, on his first school day, John hugged him, and he was a bit scared of the new class and all. He told his mom, a bit embarrassed. “Don’t be scared. It’s going to be great for you.” She assured him, but he didn’t believe her. She started singing very quietly, only the first few words of “hey jude” and Dean said the next few words, and he felt a lot less afraid all of a sudden. Mary hugged him until he was brave enough to go into his classroom alone.

 

He was fifteen when his grandfather died. He had never felt that sad in his life, and yet when he cried, he did it at night,  trying to be strong for Sam. He thought nobody would hear him when he stood at the window, looking outside . But his mom did hear him, and she came into his room. He was too old, not even his mom could make him forget his sadness with a song, but she still knew what to do. She simply hugged him, closing her arms around him, and Dean was relived to finally be able to cry at her shoulder. She stayed like that until he was tired enough to go to sleep again.

 

 

He was twenty-three and crying again, only this time on Sam’s shoulder. He would have given everything to be able to hear his mother singing. Instead, he was clinging to Sam’s jacket, and Sam was crying too. And it took a long time until they let go of each other. Dean could feel the pain now, and he could imagine nothing worse.

 It felt as if someone, some cruel god, had ripped out a big part of his soul and left nothing but pain and nothingness. Sam looked like Dean felt, and seeing his brother like that was almost as bad as his own grief.

But he knew he had to get himself together, had to be strong for Sammy again, had to care for all the things that had to be done now. He took a deep breath. He turned and looked at that Schmitt guy. “When can we go home?”


	5. Chapter 5 - helpless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So basically... This is where the actual Destiel ship stuff starts!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave a comment letting me know what you think please! Update: Thank you so much for the feedback I got! 
> 
> This was really fun to write too, even tho it hurt me inside lol

-about the same time-

-the same time-

***  
Cas came home. Yes, that was what he called it now- “home” didn’t mean a little house and his family anymore, but a small room with two beds and, well, Dean. Cas felt good here, with pictures of his family on the wall and his coffee mugs, his chair and own routine. It felt great to be this independent.

  
The only thing that slightly bothered him was his subjects. He liked philosophy, but sometimes theology was a lot of studying, and he was starting to question whether it was the right thing for him. He ignored those thoughts though, telling himself that this was what he always dreamed of, that he should be thankful. He did thank god, prayed to him every night in silence.

  
Wait, right, focusing. He dropped his bag and went to make himself pasta and coffee. An exam was coming up, and there was studying he had to do.

Cas looked at his watch. Why had Dean not returned yet?  
Sure, he came home late often enough (He usually smelled like beer when that happened, and Cas imagined that he probably hang around at parties… Or something) But Dean had classes tomorrow; it was a Thursday after all. It was already three am.

  
Cas sighed and closed his book. It wasn’t like that was actually any of his business, after all, and besides… He was horribly tired. Not that he needed much sleep, but this was not regular even for him… Well, with an exam coming up, it wasn’t like he could do something about it.  
Just a quick shower and he could lay down.

-The next morning-

God, no, he had barely even slept five minutes, this wasn’t fair. Why? Fucking alarm. Cas groaned, pressing his head in his pillow and wishing he could continue sleeping… If only the noise wouldn’t be that loud…He rolled to his side, annoyed, and turned off the alarm. Then he slowly managed to climb down the bed, heading for coffee first.

After he had dragged his sleep deprived brain into a state that could be called "awake", he noticed that something was missing; Dean. Sure, sometimes he stayed away over night, but never on Thursdays, he had classes. A one night stand wasn’t the kind of thing people did when they had to be at campus at nine.  
On the other hand, Cas often enough didn’t understand his roommate, who was known for doing all kinds of reckless shit. And so, he just brushed it off, took his trenchcoat and walked out.

 -the next day, 2 am-

Cas kept brushing it off, until now, when he was too sleepy to control his own thoughts anymore… After all, he couldn’t just ignore someone disappearing for this long, could he? What if something had happened?

  
His first thought had been to ask Dean’s friends where he was, but then he remembered that he had no idea who they were, so he had dismissed that idea. His friends though-Surely if something had actually happened, they would have done something. On the other hand, he did want to know where Dean was, after all…  
He decided he was going to ask someone tomorrow.

-The next day-  
“What do you mean you can’t tell me?” Cas tilted his head. He had expected a lot of answers, but certainly not this one.

  
The man, Zachariah Schmitt, shook his head. “I’m very sorry, Mister Novak, but I’m afraid I must not do that. He went home to his family for personal reasons, with his brother Samuel Winchester, and will remain there for at least until Monday.”  
Cas slowly nodded. “Oh…Okay, thank you.”

  
Personal reasons. That could basically just mean two things: Sick relatives or dead relatives. Considering he only stayed until Monday, it was probably the first one. Jesus, Cas hoped he was okay.

  
-Monday, evening-

  
Things were weird, somehow off without Dean, but Zachariah Schmitt was right, he did return on Monday.

  
He hadn’t seemed very different either, at least not at first sight, not for someone who didn’t know him. But Cas did know him by now, and he hadn't missed out the dark, empty look in his eyes, and despite Dean’s repeated reassuring that he was “totally fine” he couldn’t quite believe him.

  
It was night now, and Cas had gone to bed early. He didn’t have to study as much lately, there weren’t all that many tests anymore. And so, it was only a half past midnight when he climbed up his bed and finally sunk into his cushion.

  
He couldn’t sleep for some reason. Not that he wasn’t tired, but for some reason he just couldn’t drift away like usually. After some time-It could have been an hour or five minutes, he couldn’t tell- he gave up and just stared at the ceiling.

  
Cas didn’t mind doing nothing, it had the advantage of being able to think about anything he wanted to think about. His thoughts were circling around the afterlife, what the philosophers of ancient Greece thought about it. He was fascinated by how their ideas and ideals were still valid, still widely spread around the world.

  
He wondered who the people would see as the great minds of this time in the future. Probably the scientists who made space travel and intelligent robots possible. It seemed every time period had a certain profession that attracted the great minds. The strategists and emperors in the last few centuries and the artists and inventors of the renaissance were the equivalent of today’s astrophysicists. Maybe working in the certain subject of one’s time was the only way to truly changing history…

  
Wait. A noise brought him back, forced him to return to his physical environment. It was a quiet, desperate and sad sound, seeming to reach out for him, begging for mercy or help.  
For a minute, Cas was confused, then he realized. Dean. It had been a repressed sob, and it had come from the bed under Cas. This was not good. What was he supposed to do now? He couldn’t just ignore him; it pained him to know Dean was hurt. On the other hand, what could he do? Dean most likely didn’t even like him, and he wouldn’t just allow him to comfort him…

  
Cas swallowed heavily and turned around. There was nothing he could possibly do, deep down he knew that. He closed his eyes and tried to forget.


	6. Chapter 6 - comfort

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas comforts Dean. Fluffy fluff with a bit of angst. A big sorry for any grammar/spelling mistakes! (It's 3 am I am way too tired for proper english)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry! I thought nobody really read this fic anyways but seeing your comments made my day and also made me sit down and finally upload this! I know this isn't a really good excuse but I have a friend over and not a lot of time. I hope you like this! The Destiel finally starts for real :O

-a few days later-

Cas had ignored the incident that night. Dean refused to talk about anything. Most of the time, Cas had completely ignored the slight differences in his behaviour, how his sarcastic jokes had come to an end, how he seemed to smile less and less. And also how he heard him cursing and crying quietly almost every night now.

Only once, today in the afternoon he had gotten over himself, tried to confront Dean.

“Dean please, tell me what’s going on”, he had almost begged when he walked in on Dean laying on his side, face turned to the wall. It hurt him more than he would have expected, he simply couldn’t stand to see him this unhappy.

Dean had ignored him.                                         

So he spoke up again. “Dean?”

That got a reaction out of him, but it wasn’t the one Castiel had hoped for, not even in the slightest. Dean sat up and turned around to face him. Cas almost flinched when he saw tears sparkling in his eyes.

“Shut the fuck up. I’m fine, okay? Leave me alone for five minutes, you’re creeping me out!” he practically spit out, clinging his jaw angrily.

Cas just stared at him and then backed away, feeling himself starting to tear up as well. What had happened to him? He should have known. This was all he would get when he let people come to close to him.

He turned around and fled from the room, walking as quickly as possible without running. He had nobody he could go to, so he simply left the house.

He hid in a nearby bookstore until it closed, and then he stayed on a bench in the park until midnight, until he could go home and Dean could pretend to be asleep.

And so he was slowly walking through the long corridors, heading to his room. He regretted trying to talk about all of this with Dean, but now it was at least over. They could both pretend it never happened.

And indeed, when he quietly opened the door and slipped into the room, Dean was facing the wall again, breathing deeply. Cas got out of his trench coat and Jeans, took his boxers and fell into bed. He felt a lot more tired than usually around this time.

After a few minutes of silence, he physically flinched in surprise when he heard Dean’s voice. “Cas? I’m sorry.” He sounded much quieter and more tired than usually, but neither sad nor aggressive, and Castiel was grateful for that. Yet he kept silent, in lack of a response.

“I… Look, I’m not good at this.” He sounded so exhausted that it felt like a little stitch in Cas’ heart.

“I know you’re probably angry at me. Or already asleep and I’m talking to myself like a complete fucking idiot. Whatever, I just wanted to say…” He stopped, swallowing. Cas didn’t know how to react, so he just listened. He enjoyed finally hearing a bit more of his strange roommate.

Finally, Dean continued. “Listen, Cas, I… I didn’t mean it. I don’t want to be alone anymore.” Now he just sounded desperate, like he had been holding this in for a long time. Cas swallowed, feeling like he was about to cry. God, what was up with him? When did he grow this attached to Dean?

“If you’re hearing me, please… Just… I don’t know, fucking say something please?”

Cas took a deep breath? What was he even supposed to reply to that?

“I’m awake” he whispered finally. Dean was silent.

Then, Cas did the only thing that felt right, he slowly started climbing down the bed and looked at Dean. He was sitting upright now, at the edge of his bed, and fuck, he looked bad. He had cried, his eyes red and his face wet, and the black bags under his eyes were even more obvious in the blue light that came from the window. He looked like he hadn’t slept properly in days.

Cas sighed and sat next to him. “It’s alright, Dean. I forgive you.”

Dean closed his eyes and leaned against him, shifting a bit to the right. He did it in a very different way than usually, not confident, but careful, almost clumsy. Cas was not sure what he was allowed to do, so he didn’t move.

“Tell me what happened.”

Dean took a deep breath and then slowly started talking, almost stuttering at first before getting more secure as he continued.

“It’s… My mom. She… She had a car accident this Friday. They told me and Sammy and... We- We had to go home to Kansas.” He seemed to have trouble saying the words, and got silent again.

Cas was silent too, he just felt Dean leaning against him, and felt guilty. He shouldn’t be enjoying this situation, not when Dean was this miserable.

 Finally, he asked carefully. “So…She is…?”

 Dean nodded slowly, looking at the floor.

“Tell me about her” it was the only thing Cas could think of, it was like he ran out of words.

“Her name is –was- Mary. She worked as a teacher in elementary school. Kids loved her, no wonder. She never got angry, no matter what you did…” Dean was staring at his feet, it seemed like his mind was somewhere else entirely. His voice was starting to sound more stable.

“She had green eyes, like me. My dad always said I got them from her. Loved her a lot, my dad. I haven’t seen her for so long… I should have called her, you know, I almost never did.” He stopped for a moment, and now tears were forming in his eyes.

“She always sang to me, when I was a kid. Didn’t matter what was going on, she sang and I felt okay.” And with that, he stopped talking, tears streaming down his face. Cas carefully took his hand and squeezed it slightly. To his own surprise, Dean did nothing to stop him.

“Jesus, Cas, what am I even supposed to do now? I don’t know anymore.” The tears were streaming quicker, Dean seemed to have broken down all layers of emotional defence now. Cas slowly, carefully, laid his arm around Dean’s shoulders, as if touching a piece of expensive and fragile furniture.

Dean leaned into him slowly, and then more and then he started sobbing. Before Cas knew what was happening, the strange, distant, confident Dean Winchester was crying on his shoulder.

Castiel slowly, awkwardly put his hands around him and pulled him close. Dean was laying in his arms, completely collapsed. He seemed to calm down slowly, even tho there were still tears dropping from his cheeks and wetting Cas’ shirt.

Cas hummed quietly and held onto him for a while. It was weird. Cas was feeling straight up miserable because of his roommates sadness, but at the same time, this felt… Well, it felt right. That was the only way to describe it. He could feel the other man’s hair brushing against his cheek, could feel the warmth of his muscular body and smell the mix of bourbon and oil that came from him.

He didn’t know how much time had passed when Dean slowly pulled back. He had stopped crying, and he even tried to smile a little. It wasn’t his usual sarcastic grin, but a sad, thankful, real smile, even though it was gone too soon.

“Thank you.”

Cas just looked at him. “Should I stay with you?”

Dean nodded awkwardly; it didn’t seem like either of them really knew what to do with this situation. Finally, Dean laid down hesitantly, on his back. Cas slowly got down next to him, carefully putting an arm around his friend –Yes, he could probably call Dean a friend now-, to which he responded by shifting closer to him.

Dean looked incredibly exhausted, Cas noticed. He simply curled up a bit on his right side to face Dean, who had already closed his eyes.

Only a couple of minutes later, both of them were asleep.              


	7. Chapter 7 - The Morning After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean reacts to finding Cas in his bed and Cas tries to fix the mess...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's actually friday. And I'm uploading this. In time. It's the 8th world wonder...

Dean woke up early on his own, the sun shining in through their little window. That wasn’t the weird thing about it though, it wasn’t like he’d been able to get a good night of sleep in a while.

The weird thing was a warm body beside him, cuddled up next to him. A body that belonged to…

“Fuck” he said out loud.                                                                                                                                                         

It was Castiel Novak.

Had he…?

Then the memories of the past night came, and with them reveal that nothing-well- _dirty_ had happened.

Then came the hot, burning embarrassment. God, he didn’t know the man. He shouldn’t have done that. Fuck. He jumped out of bed, not caring if he woke Cas up.

It must have seemed so weird to him. He should have held back.

Now Cas would wake up, remember what happened and then he would, in the same careful tone that Sam had had tell him he had decided to move out. That was it. Dean had fucked up his chance for a great roommate, the second he found a good guy to live with, the second he thought they might even develop a friendship, he had done this.

Dean forced himself to stop thinking about it and put some clothes on. He sure as hell wouldn’t attend classes today; he didn’t even want to be forced to meet Castiel in a hallway.

Grabbing his jacket, phone and money he hurried out of the room. A last glare at his roommate showed him that the guy was somehow still asleep besides the noises Dean had made.

He left.

 

-About an hour later-

 

When Castiel woke up, he tried to hold on to his dream. It had been a good one, with warmth and a strange feeling of belonging.

Dean Winchester had been in it. It had been all cuddly and cosy and- Wait a second; _Dean Winchester had been in it?_ Why the hell was his roommate in his dream? Cas knew all too well what kind of people he dreamed of. The ones he was developing a crush on. That wasn’t good, it wasn’t good at all.

Alarmed, the student opened his eyes. Again, he hesitated; this was definitely not what he usually woke up to. He was too close to the ground.

In general, this situation wasn’t entirely normal. He hadn’t been woken up by his alarm like usually, which was… Weird, to say the least. Today was a Thursday; he had an early class today at nine.

When he looked around himself, he realized that there were posters on the wall over the bed and a part of the mattress was pressed down, as if a person had laid next to him.

The realization came so suddenly that Cas jerked up and bumped with his head against the upper bed.

“Damn it!” he yelled, holding his head with his hand. He could feel his eyes automatically tear up at the sensation and had to wait a minute until the sharp pain had subsided to a duller, pounding one.

 Then he thought about what this meant. If his dream had been real, that meant he really did comfort Dean last night, had fallen asleep next to him. But Dean was gone… What did that mean then?

He felt himself growing nervous. Had Dean even wanted to be comforted? Or had Cas taken advantage of the situation just to get closer to him, had he actually found it weird?

 Sure, it didn’t _feel_ that way, but he could be everything but certain that he hadn’t misinterpreted the situation…

He never really talked much, so when he did he never quite knew what to say or do. Which was also weird, because he hadn’t felt that way in his conversation with Dean at all.

He shook his head, immediately regretting it as it only made it hurt worse. He had to talk to Dean about this, if only to apology and offer to get another place to stay at.

That thought made him feel a dull sadness deep inside him, but he could deal with it if that would be what Dean wanted, or at least he tried to tell himself that.

He slowly got up and looked at Dean’s alarm clock. 7:30 a.m. He’d go to his class (He only had one on Thursdays thankfully) and then go looking for his roommate. It was probably the best to get done with it quickly anyways.

-A few hours later-

Dean had vanished apparently.

Cas had been searching for him for two hours, wandering around college and campus, asking some of his teachers, and then as he grew more desperate, random students.

Nobody seemed to know.

He let himself drop onto the nearest bench on campus, under a small tree, exhausted and frustrated.

Dean was probably not even around the college. He could be anywhere, and Cas should leave him alone like he should have the night before already.

And so he slowly got up again and started to walk back to their room, he had studying to do.

 

-about 40 minutes later-

 

It hadn’t worked, not even a bit.

He had tried to study, but every time he had read a paragraph he forgot what was in it, and had had to read it again and again.

Every time he tried to write down things to remember them better an image of a lonely, sad Dean getting drunk in the corner of some gross bar showed up in his mind.

Frustrated, he gave up and leaned back in his chair. He rubbed his eyes with his knuckles, sighed and looked out of the window.

There had to be something he could do, some place to look in.

Did he know anyone who was close to Dean? It wasn’t like he really had anyone to go to with this. Then again, he was Castiel Novak. When had he not been left alone in some way to deal with things?

Sometimes he had seen Dean on Campus, sitting somewhere laughing with his friends or laughing with only one person (in these cases it was mostly flirting that Cas had seen). Whenever that happened, he had to admit; he had stood there and looked at them for a bit longer than he probably should have.  It just felt reassuring to look at others enjoying themselves, being happy and safe and protected.

Castiel had often done it with his younger brothers or just with strangers who seemed particularly nice or interesting. He preferred calling it watching over people he cared about in some way rather than, well, stalking.

The good thing about that strange habit of him was that he remembered who Dean’s friends were now- A pretty girl with dark red hair who seemed fun and nice, a small shy guy with black hair… And Sam! Of course, why hadn’t he thought about that earlier? He could just ask someone where he was and if anyone knew where to find Dean, it’d be him.

Cas stood up abruptly, eager to find his roommate now. What was his brother’s name again? Right, Sam Winchester, Dean had mentioned him once.

 

-A bit later-

 

“Sam? Sam Winchester?” Cas had found him, and now he was walking towards him hurriedly, navigating between the other students slightly out of breath.

The guy was so tall that he seemed kind of like a lighthouse in the mass of people, a head taller than most of the other ones. He had almost shoulder-long hair and he was wearing a flannel with cramped up sleeves. Across from him, a smaller girl was looking at him with eyes that Cas couldn’t describe as anything but loving. Sam was a lucky guy, she seemed wonderful.

He turned around now slowly, a bit irritated when he didn’t see anyone he knew. Now that Cas could see his face he noticed the black bags under his eyes and a sad look in them, and he looked way older than he could actually be.

Then Sam spotted him walking towards him.

“Yeah?”

Cas held out a hand for him to shake and then let it sink down again slowly when he realized it was probably too formal for this situation.

“I’m… My name is Castiel Novak” he started, cursing himself for the stuttering.

“I, uh, I’m your brothers roommate” he continued.

Sam cracked a small smile as he understood.

“Yeah, Dean told me about you. I wanted to meet you anyways,” he said, “This is my girlfriend Jess!”

The blonde girl smiled and nodded, then asked why he was here.

“Well…I’m… Can I talk to you in private, Sam?” He said with an apologetic glare at Jess.   He only realized how awkward this conversation would get now. He had not thought this throught, it seemed.

Sam shot Jess a confused glare and then nodded.

“But…He’s fine, right? I mean, nothing happened to him?” he asked quickly, clearly worried.

“No! I mean yes, I mean… I’m pretty sure he’s alright…” Cas tried. He really didn’t have any idea how to explain. Plus, he always became really awkward when he was nervous, it was like he had suddenly forgot what he had wanted to say.

Sam calmed down again, his concerned expression turning into a confused one quickly.

Jess nodded reassuringly at Cas. “See you at lunch, Sam?”

“Of course!”

 

-a couple of minutes later-

 

They had found an empty corridor and Cas had explained the situation as far as possible (well, maybe he had left out some stuff about cuddling and sleeping in one bed togheter...) It was quite a hard task, and kind of an embarrassing one as well. But Sam seemed understanding and even-relieved?

“To be honest, I’m just glad he talked to anyone at all. He usually always just tries to drown his problems in alcohol.” He said with a small sarcastic smile.

Cas just let out an exhausted sigh.

“And… Any idea where he is now?”

“Actually… I’m pretty sure I know. But don’t be shocked, the place isn’t exactly fancy…”


	8. Chapter 8 - drunk Dean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas finds Dean, talking happens and Destiel happens ^^

Cas was thinking about Sam while walking.

The way he was so different and yet so similar to Sam was very strange. His speech sometimes had a trace of his brother rough way of talking, yet his tone was softer and his words thought-through.

After giving Castiel the descriptions of the way to the small Pub in the city he had told him to go alone- As Sam had put it; Dean didn’t exactly take his brotherly concern well usually.

Cas had seen the deep, dark sadness as well as the pain in Sam’s eyes, the way he had seen it in Dean’s as well, but without the anger in the older brother’s ones.

He suddenly found himself faced with a cross-way. Dammit! He had always been terrible with directions.  Sam had told him it wasn’t far, he just had to stop himself from panicking.

“Just always go left, until you’re standing at a road… Called devils ‘street, if I’m right” he had told him. It had clearly been a while since he had last been there.

Cas went left, following the road. It was a boring road, nothing but the same houses, nobody to ask and nobody to watch. He sighed and asked himself if Sam had even remembered _anything_ correctly.

The road went up and then down, exhausting Cas. Finally, he reached a bigger road full of people with little shops on both sides. Dean did not seem like the kind of guy to hang out in a shopping mall though… He read the street sign. Maple road. He sighed.

He had to face it: It was time to ask someone. An elderly woman was walking her dog. “Excuse me, Miss…?”

She turned around and looked at him with a nice smile.

“What is it, dear?” She asked.                                                                                                              

“Can you tell me how to get to Devils’ street?” Cas was slightly out of breath.

The woman laughed. “That street is right there, I think you just came out of it!” And with that she pointed at the street Cas had just spent what felt like an hour walking through.

He turned around and read the name of the street for the first time.

Fuck.

The lady had been right; “Devils’ street” said the blue sign in white letters.

He just stood there and stared at the lady silently. She laughed, greeted him and continued with her way, the small dog pulling the leash.

 

-A long walk through Devil’s street later-

 

Cas let out a sight. He had legit spent 30 minutes walking on this damn street.

At least he had reached the small, grubby bar now. Dirty pink neon letters spelled “Purgatory” at the front. As a religious person, that name should have probably offended him, but it didn’t.

In fact, he wasn’t surprised that Dean could be in there either; the thing that did surprise him on the other hand was that Sam not only knew this place, but had even been here apparently. Maybe Dean had showed him?

Castiel opened the heavy door and was immediately greeted with a cloud of cigarette smoke and the unmistakable scent of alcohol. He went inside.

The lack of sunlight didn’t exactly surprise him.

One time eight year old Castiel had gotten lost in a shopping mall and had somehow ended up in a bowling alley that smelled like cigarettes, was loud and full of taller people. Walking into this bar from the fresh air and daylight of the street reminded him of that incident.

The bar had only one small window, which was dirty, and the only source of light was a dirty lamp behind the bar. The barkeeper was a dangerous looking guy with tattoo sleeves and a bald head. Where was Dean?

Cas imagined the place would be alive with music and visitors at night, but right now there was not a lot to see. A few guys were getting drunk at the bar, two shady figures were talking quietly, sitting at a table in the corner.

The room was bigger than he had expected. He wondered if it was ever full.

He decided whether Dean was here or not, he wanted to get out of here as quickly as possible, so he focused his gaze back on the dudes on the bar.  
Then he saw him.

Or, to be fair, it was more that he saw Dean’s leather jacket. He wouldn’t have recognised him without it. His friend was sitting there, in a bent over position, a bottle of beer in front of him. Dean was drunk, Cas could even tell from the other side of the room.

Regardless, his heart had skipped a beat when he had finally found Dean.

He slowly started walking towards him.

The barkeeper was looking at him.

Cas kept going, the walk seemed longer than it could possibly be.

Dean took a big sip of the bottle, sighing.

Suddenly Cas stood right behind him.

“Dean?” He asked carefully.

Dean winced and turned around in his chair.

His eyes widened when he saw Cas.

“The fuck did ya find me” Dean grunted, starring at Cas with dark eyes. He was clearly drunk, horribly drunk. His breath smelled like beer. Cas hated seeing him like that.

“Come on, Dean. I’m sorry about yesterday. Let’s go home…” He said, feeling a bit helpless.

Dean grinned at him. “Why, still got my drink to finish?” He took his bottle demonstratively without even drinking from it.

Cas looked at him. He tried again. “Dean, you’re drunk. Let’s get outta here, go home…please?”

This time his roommate reacted entirely different.

Dean laughed, a tiny, sad laugh. “Home ya say? So what? So you can tell me that ya need some fuckin’ space and it’s not my fault and all shit but ya better find some new room? No that thanks!” As he talked, his tone grew more angry, and at the end he almost crashed his bottle down on the bar.

That surprised Cas enough to make him open his mouth, ready to explain, and leave it at that. He stood there, mouth open. That didn’t seem like Dean was just angry at him.

Dean shrugged and turned around to look away from Cas again.

Cas glared at the barkeeper, who was busy giving some other guy a new drink. Nobody here seemed to even be mildly interested in what anyone else was doing. Probably why Dean came here in first place.

He sighed. “Dean, no… I don’t… I mean… I don’t actually mind what happened yesterday. I like you, I don’t mind being with you!” He was silent after admitting that for a bit.  
  
Dean didn’t say anything, but Cas could tell he was listening in the way he had straightened up a bit, in the way he turned his head in Cas’ direction ever so slightly.

“Dean, I want to fix this. If I bothered you, I promise I won’t do it again. We can pretend this never happened, but please don’t just go away and get drunk alone!”

Dean turned and looked at him. His eyes were glassy. “Fine” he mumbled quietly.  
  
-Later-

On the entire way back, Cas had stayed close to Dean, if only to stabilize him whenever he staged a bit. Dean seemed to be really drunk, which on the other hand, wasn’t really surprising considering he had apparently spent the entire day so far drinking, and probably not only beer.

They had finally reached the apartment, Dean supporting himself on the wall while Cas opened the door. Dean dropped on the bed, leaning against the wall. He was pale.

“Come on” Cas slowly walked to him and gently helped him out of the leather jacket (which was way too warm for the temperature in their room anyways).

Dean let it all happen with indifference. Cas looked at his clock, it was already evening, the whole thing had taken longer than he had expected it to.

“Are you going to be sick?” He asked, worried by how pale Dean looked. Dean only shook his head silently.

Cas sat down.  He decided they needed to talk now.

“Dean… What’s going on? Why would I want to move out?”

Dean was looking at the floor.

“I don’t know Cas, they all seem to leave. Me and Sammy, we left our parents, and then Sam left me, and then…”

He sniffled. “This is pretty pathetic.”

Cas leaned over to him and carefully took his hand, surprised when Dean didn’t pull back. “It’s okay. I won’t leave. Dean, after what happened to your mom… Everyone would have needed comfort. I couldn’t just leave you alone with it and I didn’t mind comforting you.”

Dean looked up, bright green eyes meeting blue ones. “So… You didn’t… You aren’t angry at me?” As he said it, there seemed to be a part of the good old Dean coming back- His eyes lit up and his speech became clearer again.

Cas shook his hand and stroke Dean’s hand with his thumb. Dean’s hand felt rough and warm. Cas could feel some smaller scars on it. They were the hands of someone who had used them for hard work before, and Cas loved the way they felt.

And in that moment, when Dean was looking at him with those apple green eyes, when he could feel his hands and hear his steady breaths, Castiel could see the person he was under all the snarky humor and the pointless flirts- He could see actual Dean Winchester, a person who was as sad as he was kind.  


And in that moment, Cas realized he was in love with Dean Winchester. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How did you like it? Please tell me in the comments. I'm really not sure if this one is really good... 
> 
> Also I imagined that when Cas realized he was in love with Dean his expression was the one he made in canon after rescuring him from hell and looking at his physical body for the first time- Most of you probably know which one I mean.


	9. Chapter 9-First kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title says it all, and since this is all tagged as a Destiel fic I doubt I spoiled it for anyone ;-) 
> 
> Hurt/Comfort, fluff, the usual dose of angst basically.

Dean was looking at Cas through the alcohol induced fog in his brain.

Cas was looking back with a concerned expression.

Concern was something Dean Winchester hadn’t experienced in a long time. Since his relationship with Jo had ended, to be exact.   
What had he even done to deserve a friend like Cas? The guy still wasn’t angry after all that happened- And he had guided Dean all the way back here safely, even though Dean had vomited twice.

And while he was staring deeply into those blue, unique eyes, that seemed to always be dark, even though they were fucking blue, blue eyes weren’t even supposed to be dark… His eyes weren’t like the sea or the sky on a cloudless day, they didn’t fit those sappy descriptions of blue eyes you always read.

They looked like deep ponds on a sunny day, he thought, and even while they seemed to shine in the light, they looked deeper than you could see while looking at them for the first time, deeper and… sadder.

And in that moment, Dean realized he had fallen in love with Castiel Novak.

Except his stupid, drunken brain didn’t react as well as Cas had.

“Hey Angel”, he babbled, out of control over his own damn mouth, “Ya got some pretty-ass eyes, ya know?”

And then he did something stupid.

He grabbed Cas’ face and tried to kiss him.

His lips felt wonderfully soft and warm-It felt perfect. For the small moment it lasted.

Cas flinched and pulled back.

“Fuck” Was all Dean could manage.

He felt as if all the drunken happiness had been pulled out of him and had been replaced by terror.

What the fuck had he done?

“Dean…” Cas sounded shocked.

“I’m sorry!”

“Dean, it’s okay.” Cas sighed and sat down on the floor opposite of Dean’s bed, leaning against the wall.

“No, it’s not. You’re my friend. And clearly you didn’t want this.”

Cas slowly looked up, looking almost embarrassed.

“That’s the thing… I do.”

Whatever Dean had expected, it hadn’t been this.   
“You mean… You love me?” He was too drunk to comprehend this. His head hurt like hell. He needed water and sleep.

Cas sighed in frustration. “Of course I do. But you’re drunk, Dean. I can’t take advantage of this.”

That actually got a laugh out of Dean.

“Take advantage? I was the one who kissed you, ya know that right?”  He asked, amused. Now his insides felt hot from happiness. Was he dreaming this? It felt like a dream.

Cas shook his head. “I said no. Tomorrow we can talk about this, when you’re sober again. Lay down, get out of your pants and I’m getting you something to drink.”

Dean laughed and obeyed, even held back with some dirty joke about “Get out of your pants”.   
“Ya bossy. And short.”, he grinned instead.

Cas rolled his eyes and actually smiled a little.

Cas didn’t smile enough-His smile was probably the most beautiful thing in the universe. And yet it was so rare.

While Cas disappeared to get his water bottle (He always had one laying around somewhere on his bed) Dean got outta his uncomfortable Jeans and dropped on the bed in exhaustion.

After pouring down an impressive amount of water, he cuddled up under his blanket, feeling warmer and weirdly at home than he had in a long time.

“Come lay with me” He asked Cas. He nodded, surprisingly.

And so Dean fell asleep in the arms of a loved one again, Cas face in his hair.

Cas was humming a slow melody, his entire body felt warm and soft. It was a moment of perfection, that made Dean forget about his own pain and misery in a way the alcohol had never managed (Although it probably did play a role in this).

He slept long and peacefully.

-the next morning-

When Cas came home, Dean was still asleep. It was almost impressive considering the time. Three pm was extreme even for a night owl like Cas.

“Dean?” He asked. He wasn’t about to let him sleep forever, not after what had happened. The entire day, he had been filled with happiness and excitement. He hadn’t remembered a single thing in class, hadn’t eaten anything so far and had been more than tempted to just wake up Dean in the morning.

He wasn’t an asshole though, it wasn’t like he hadn’t ever had a hangover. When he closed the door, a grumpy sound came from the covers on the bed.

“Dean?”, he asked again, unable to keep the excitement out of his voice.   


Dean Winchester’s lips were like drugs- He had tasted them once, and even though his breath had smelled like alcohol, it had been amazing in a way that rarely anything else ever had been.

And now he wanted more.

Dean turned around and saw him, and his sleepy eyes lighted up. His mouth formed a typical Dean smirk.   
“Hey Angel” He said in an overly seducing tone.

“Hello Dean”, he replied and walked over to the bed slowly.

And Dean, besides his probably really bad hangover, sat up. Cas dropped his bag.  Dean stood up.

They looked into each other’s eyes. And then Cas carefully leaned in, almost scared, closing his eyes. And Dean closed the space between them- Pressed his rough lips on Cas’ ones, laid his arms around him and pressed against him like he was holding on for his dear life.

It was rough, and Cas immediately opened his mouth , their kiss turning into mindless making-out.

 It felt incredible, unique, like everything Cas loved or had loved at once.

It felt as exciting as  running down a hill as a child with his brothers as a child, breathing heavily and always feeling like he was about to stumble and fall.

It felt like home, the way he had felt when he had hugged his mother, back when he was a kid, right after she had baked her famous cookies, smelling the cinnamon and sugar on her and hearing her laugh.

He felt as proud and joyful as he had felt when he had gotten his first grades, when young, ambitious Cas’ had looked on them and dreamed of what he was going to do with them one day.

 

It felt as safe and it tasted as good as eating your favorite food on a cold winter day when it storms outside and everything at home is warm and filled with the noises of your loved ones.

And at the same time, it felt as alive, as new and overwhelming as he had felt when he had first gone to New York as a young adult from the countryside, with his last money and his whole life before him.

It felt impossibly good, and he couldn’t get enough. Neither could Dean apparently. He slammed Cas’ against a wall and leaned down, his hands running up and down Cas back, clinging to his Trench coat.

And Cas let his head fall back, felt the heat of their bodies, way too hot and yet just perfect. He ran his hands through Dean’s short hair, hoping this would never end.

And then it did end-All of a sudden Dean pulled back. All the warmth was suddenly taken away from him, and it left Cas feeling lonely and cold. Dean was holding his head. When they had both caught their breaths, Cas remembered Dean had a hangover-He was probably in pretty bad pain right now.

“Dean?” He asked concerned.

“Sorry Cas, it’s ma’ head. Shouldn’t have fuckin’ drank that much yesterday. God…” he murmured, barely understandable. 

“oh… It’s okay. I think you might wanna sit down?” Cas felt guilty about forgetting about that- But he had been kissed by Dean Winchester, so really who could blame him?

Dean sighed and sat on his bed slowly. He looked a bit miserable, Cas realized now.

“Do you want some water?” He was conflicted-On one hand, he wanted nothing but continue kissing Dean forever, because it still felt like he might lose him any second, and he wanted to use his time until that happened. On the other hand, he should probably really stop overthinking this and try to make Dean feel better.

“Mhm” was all he got for an answer.

 

They spent the rest of their day doing basically nothing- Dean drinking a lot and staying in bed, Cas enjoying the chance to nurse him for a bit. He already knew Dean wasn’t a person who wanted to be comforted usually. Now he even let Cas pet his hair and cuddle with him.

Time seemed to pass endlessly slow and quicker than at any other occasion when he spent time with Dean. He felt strangely careless and overwhelmed with happiness-He still could barely believe this was happening, was asking himself if this was all just a dream every time he stole a kiss from Dean, every time  Dean smiled at him.

In the evening Dean fell asleep.

Cas was sitting in the comfortable bean chair he had bought at some point and read his book. Every now and then, he paused for a while to look at Dean sleeping, mostly because it was one of the most adorable things he had ever seen.

After about an hour, Dean flinched randomly. Cas jumped and stared at him. Dean’s face was twisted into a strange expression of pain. Cas stayed still.

Dean started to move now, shifting uncomfortable. He was mumbling in his sleep, mouth trembling.

Should he wake him up?

Cas knew Dean was exhausted, he should probably just let him sleep.

But then a tear formed in Dean’s eye and slowly started to run down his sunburned, angled face. Dan’s mouth was trembling, and Cas couldn’t take it anymore.

He leaned forwards (The room was so small he could reach Dean from the opposite wall) And carefully touched his shoulder.

Dean shot up so quickly Cas fliched back in surprise. Jesus, Dean had a light sleep.

His friend was starring around the room with widened eyes, panting. He didn’t seem to recognize his surroundings.

“Dean? It’s okay. It was just a nightmare. You’re save.”

Dean was staring at Cas for a moment, before he calmed down.

Then he leaned forward and pressed his head into his palms, still breathing shakily. Cas sat down next to him and started to run his hand up and down Dean’s back. Dean sniffed an leaned into the touch.

“Dean, you’re okay. Come here” Cas whispered quietly. Dean looked up at him, a deep sadness showing in his face.

Then he slowly leaned on Cas, who put an arm around him .

They stayed like that for a little while.

“Do you want to tell me?”

Dean nodded and took a deep breath before     starting to talk, still with a shaky voice.

“It was my mom. I… I saw her dying again.” He shook his head, tearing up again. “I dreamed that I was little and with her, that she held me… And then she started to burn, bright and hot and hurtful. I tried to get to her, to help… I couldn’t move.”

He broke off, staring in the distance.

Cas stayed quiet, he knew there was nothing left to say.

And so they sat there, quiet companions to each other, silent and yet comforting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know how to continue this story to be honest. Please tell me if you have any suggestions, I really depend on them at the moment... 
> 
> Also school started again, and it's kind of stressfull and I can't promise to update this weekly anymore. I hope you all forgive me for that! 
> 
> How did you like this chapter? Please let me know in the comments!


	10. final chapter - Butterfly effect 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been a year, and Cas is looking back at his relationship with Dean Winchester on their anniversary date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If this left any open questions, I will gladly answer them in the comments!
> 
> Okay guys... I don't know what to say except I'm terribly sorry...?  
> I don't even know if anyone is going to read this but it just felt right to finally end this fanfiction. 
> 
> I had a lot to do and I'm just kind of an awful mess of a person and also I had kind of forgotten how amazing writing actually feels so it's been a year in real life as well. Again, I'm sorry, especially if this ending feels unsatisfying and/or rushed. I hope you enjoy it tho, I will write more Destiel fanfiction in the future and I PROMISE I will not randomly abandon it again. 
> 
> Yours,
> 
> a struggling student trying to find time to waste her life writing fanfiction

*one years later*

They were sitting on Dean’s bed again, on their one year anniversary, Cas supposed. So much had changed, mostly for the better.

Cas felt more at home than ever – and more at peace, too.

They had both decided they wanted a serious, lasting relationship and overall, it had worked surprisingly well. Dean hadn’t stopped flirting with everyone he met, but Cas had never been the jealous type anyway, and when someone asked about it he’d laugh it off with a “Dean’s flirty asshole attitude is the reason we got together in the first place”. Sure, in the beginning he had been quite a bit worried Dean wouldn’t be able to be faithful, but he had earned his trust by now.

 

They also spent their Saturday nights together, going out to meet Sam and Jess in a bar or just hang out at a nice pub.

On one of those occasions, they got big news from Sam and Jess – They were engaged now, Jess had been practically glowing and Sam had given both Dean and Sam a bone crushing hug. A year ago Cas wouldn’t have understood how people could be that sure about a relationship at such a young age. That had changed. He smiled at the thought of it.  

Sam and Jess both knew that Dean and Cas were together, and they didn’t mind. In fact, most people were surprisingly accepting, and those that weren’t… Well, Cas wasn’t about to care.

 

A lot of their evenings were now spent at home, they’d cuddle and watch Netflix for hours at a time. Cas had never watched a lot of TV, but Dean was fairly excited about his shows and Cas was willing to try them out. He did not share Dean’s love for gory horror movies (Cas had never understood the entertainment people seemed to find in violence, not to mention he was apparently a terrible coward when it came to “jump scares”) but they both liked _house of cards_ and _a game of thrones_ , Dean for the action and Cas for the political intrigues. He even turned out to kind of find a liking in _star wars_ , which featured some of the classic philosophy he studied in class.

Dean tried his best to find common interests as well. He willingly listened to Cas talk about his favorite philosophers, throwing in surprisingly intelligent questions every now and then. He had even tried reading some of Cas’ favorite novels – He liked the ones by Steven King best. They never seemed to run out of things to talk about. Cas even liked to listen to Dean talk about cars, just to see the brightness in his eyes and hear the excitement in his voice.

 

One time Dean had asked him if he knew about the butterfly effect. Cas had nodded, he was familiar to the concept. Dean had smiled sadly. "Ya know, it's strange... If Sam hadn't been out partying that one sunday night, he wouldn't have needed his coffee the next morning, wouldn't have met the hot new blonde barista named Jess. Wouldn't have moved out of our dorm and you... you wouldn't have moved in. I guess it also means we wouldn't be here if my mom hadn't..." he looked down.

Cas took his hand and tried his best to sound reassuring. "I find it comforting" he replied, "It makes me feel like some things need to happen... Because other things are meant to be." Dean looked up to meet his gaze and smiled a little.

 

 

Other things had changed too. Cas had dropped his theology class, focusing on philosophy and history instead – He liked that better and was planning to become a university professor himself, hoping to give his future students some of his own passion for reasoning and questioning. Philosophy was a way of thinking, and he sincerely believed it was needed more in society. He had become more politically active as well, attending protests and debates at their college, Dean had even come with him a few times. Not long after they’d gotten together, Dean had decided to drop his ambitions when it came to professional sports, saying that it was nice to have that opportunity (“and the fangirls” as he liked to add with a wink), but he wanted to become a car mechanic.

 

They had both kept their bad habits, Dean drank too much and Cas stayed in too much and they both knew it, but it had gotten a bit better for both of them.

 

For today, they’d planned a date- Based on one of their best shared memories, the day they actually said “I love you” to each other. It had been on the countryside during their summer break, at a lake in Dean’s home, Kansas.

Of course they couldn’t spontaneously take a trip to Kansas now, they had classes, but they’d drive to a lake near the city, take food and beer with them and hang around in the sun all day.

So a few hours later, they were doing just that, Cas eating a sandwich and Dean nipping on his beer, some of Dean’s classic rock songs coming from his speakers. Was it ACDC? Cas couldn’t tell.

His worries seemed far, very far gone at that moment, all that mattered was the sun shining on his face and the feeling of Dean laying next to him. Cas had brought a blanket, the same they’d had 11 months ago by that lake in Kansas, and Dean was using his old leather jacket as a pillow. Some things changed, but for some it felt like they’d always stay the same.

 

He suddenly started to speak, ripping Cas out of his daydreams. “You know, I like remembering that day. We were just sitting there, all cheesy next to that sun flower field and out of nowhere I needed to tell you how much I love you.” He said softly. “I meant it then and I mean it now.”

“I had wanted to tell you that for a long time by then”, said Cas, smiling.

 

Dean’s voice had changed when he spoke up again, more teasing now. “I had wanted to show you my home so badly, and your only comment was ‘bout how flat it was”

Cas chuckled. “Common Dean… I’m from Wyoming. It’s not my fault I hadn’t seen such an ugly landscape before”

Dean gasped, making a big show about being offended by Cas’ teasing. “Hey, it’s my childhood home you’re talking about there. Besides, I know you secretly liked it there” Cas laughed at that, sitting up to look at Dean. “And I know you can’t be mad at me” he gave back, pressing a quick kiss to Dean’s lips.

Dean laughed with him, his gaze wandering from Cas’ dark blue eyes to the light blue sky. He had never gotten tired of those eyes and it didn’t feel like he ever would.  

“I didn’t think I’d be the type to celebrate relationship anniversaries”, he smirked.

“I didn’t think you’d be the type to _have_ relationship anniversaries”

“Oh, Shut up!”

“Make me”

At that, Dean sat down his beer and pulled Cas close, looking into his eyes.

“I’d love too…”

And they both got lost in their kiss, a familiar feeling by now.

When he was sitting there, pressing tightly against Dean's light summer shirt, he thought about the butterfly effect again. And he decided that it had all been worth it, all the events that lead up to this. He decided he wouldn't trade this for anything.

Cas smiled and hoped he could spend the rest of his life like this.


End file.
